Breastfeeding: The Hardest Thing

During my pregnancy with Harrison I focused so much on the birth that little time was spent on what I would do once this little human was in my arms. A friend loaned me The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and I read the first few chapters. The book made breastfeeding seem so natural and easy, surely it would just happen without any interventions or suffering on my part.

Just after birth, figuring things out while holding Mommy's hand

When Harrison was born we spent 24 hours in labor and delivery because of my preeclampsia complications. I was bedbound and could not move. This was good because it forced me to focus on feeding Harrison. Trouble was Harrison, like most newborns, wanted to sleep. When he did nurse I had no idea what he or I were supposed to do. I followed the book recommendations by laying back and letting Harrison go to town on my nipples. When I started to get very sore and very cracked skin I asked for the lactation consultant to come help me. When she came, she offered very little real help. A nudge, a tilt, a "good job mom". But it STILL HURT. I told her this and her response was, "well...it's not supposed to. He's in a good position."

Suddenly I felt like I was doing something wrong. If Harrison was feeding correctly it must mean that I have overly tender nipples or it's just part of my recovery. I kept telling myself it would get better. It didn't. At the same time Harrison's blood sugar levels dropped. The doctor said it would have dropped regardless of breastfeeding but I felt that if he had a good latch he would have been able to pull out the nutrients he so desperately needed. When they transferred him to the NICU we okayed the use of formula because we wanted him healthy as quickly as possible. We so desperately wanted to go home.

In the NICU, still figuring things out but having the Brest Friend helped so much!

While in the NICU they ran all sorts of tests on him, including blood and spinal draws. I would never wish that sort of psychological pain and anguish on anyone. That week in the hospital was the worst week of my life. I had to trust strangers, I had to balance healing myself and meeting the needs of my son, I had to make life-long decisions for my son while completely exhausted. Of course, the formula did it's job. He never lost weight after he was born but kept feeding like a little machine. I would see him suck down 30 mL of formula as a two-day-old and couldn't understand where he was putting it all. There stomachs are so small at this point, how could he possibly be eating that much!

On day four we were transferred out of the NICU and into pediatrics. They were worried he had pneumonia and did a full course of antibiotics intravenously for seven days. We had to spend an extra three days in the pediatric unit waiting for him to finish his antibiotics. It was awful. We went from having a 24 hour army of nurses to being by ourselves with a newborn. The learning curve was steep and the stress of switching from breastfeeding and supplementing to formula to strictly breastfeeding was exhausting.

No one tells you that newborns wake every two hours and nurse for 45 minutes at a time. What they will tell you is that you are doing it wrong if it takes that long. Everyone in the hospital was telling me I shouldn't let him nurse that long and that I was teaching him bad habits. But my mommy instincts kept saying it was the right thing to do. It was only after I joined my local breastfeeding group on facebook and did research on my own that I discovered one of my nipples was, most liekly, inverted. This explained partly why it took Harrison so long to feed. He just needed more time to figure the boob out.

To be exact, he needed 8 weeks to figure the boob out. Eight weeks of sore, dry, cracked, swollen nipples and boobs. I told myself, just make it to 8 weeks! You can do that right?! After that we can switch back to formula and your pain will be over. But then, magically, he figured it out on his own! He now takes about 5 minutes to feed total. He is like a booby sucking machine! LOL. He loves his boobies and they love him too!

I think what helped me the most in my breastfeeding journey was my stubbornness. I am one of those people that, when I set my mind to something, it is impossible for me to give up. I also did not have any other complications after giving birth so I could give my total attention to this problem. I cannot imagine breastfeeding through the pain if I had a C-section, post-partum depression, or latent pain from an epidural. For those mamas that have the ability to figure out breastfeeding while dealing with any of those complications I salute you!

Harrison is now six months old and just had his first taste of solid food. Many people have been asking me, how long will you breastfeed him for? I honestly do not know the exact answer to that question, but I would like to go for as long as possible. I fought so incredibly hard for this relationship and I do not want it to end! That said, once he gets teeth I may change my mind!

Note: The tools I found the most indispensable were lanolin, brest friend, giant water bottle, and button-front pajamas.