The Before

In all the literature I read not one book or blog mentioned discussions that should happen before the birth of your beautiful little one. At the time, I had no idea of the impending disagreements that would ensue once Harrison was born. If I could go back in time I would invite myself to discuss certain things with my husband that needed attention before the baby was born. Here are just a few:

Circumcision. Obviously this is a male issue only but one that every parent of a boy has to decide. This is going to be either a very easy decision for you, or a very difficult one. What will you do if the two parents disagree? How will you navigate this difficult subject while keeping both parent's opinions in mind? Unfortunately, you can't do a half circumcision. It's an all-or-nothing thing. Once you make a decision, be prepared for your mind to change the moment the little one is born. This happened with me and it created quite a bit of tension.

Sleeping. Where will your baby sleep? This seems like a simple question but in the throes of exhaustion and frustration you may find yourself thinking the couch looks pretty comfy. Heck! The floor looks comfy if we could all just close our eyes for 20 minutes. Looking back, I'm glad we set up his crib with the monitor. Having the monitor was my sole reason for wanting him in his crib, otherwise I would have let my separation anxiety get the best of me. We all want what's best for the baby but, in the moment, you often want what is easiest. On that note, discuss where everyone will sleep. Not just the baby. You may find that, once the baby is born, you cannot stand the thought of being parted with him. Even if for a moment. Or you may have the exact opposite reaction and want to sleep as far away as you can. How can everyone be happy and safe? This question consumed us for quite a while and caused many disagreements.
Be prepared to flex on certain things, but never on safety.
*Big shout out to my husband for refusing to let me sleep with our son on the couch. I was so exhausted I couldn't think straight.

Breastfeeding. You do realize you will be a milk machine for the first 2-3 months? And no, I don't mean in a beautiful, la la I'm feeding my baby, sort of way. Prepare yourself for being on-call to a ravenous hunger beast who wakes up every 2-3 hours starving. Prepare yourself for a beastie that eats for 45 minutes straight, wakes up, melts you with a grin, then starts wailing for more boobie. They don't stop until they reach maximum fatness, which may be at the three month mark. Well, really they never stop but you get used to it and they get much more efficient at feeding. You need to discuss this with your partner. How important is breastfeeding to you? How important is it to your partner? Is your partner okay with the boobies belonging to the baby? Does your partner trust you to trust your instincts? You and your partner need to understand that breastfeeding will consume you for a little bit while you figure it out. There is a steep learning curve for so many when it comes to breastfeeding. Everyone involved needs to show patience, trust, and understanding.

Exhaustion. When you have a newborn it's all hands on deck 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Even with two people that can be exhausting. Give each other leave to be honest. "I need a break" was the sentence I used when I was completely tapped out. I would go hide in the bathroom for about 15 minutes and zombie it up on Facebook. Whatever you need to do to combat the exhaustion: exercise, sleep, sitting down. You (and your partner) need to ask yourself, how can I avoid the exhaustion monster? The exhaustion monster comes when you have nothing left to give but your worst. You are beyond tired and see no end to the exhaustion. TAP OUT.  There is no shame in saying you have had enough. You will come back a better parent and able to help your baby and your partner.

Expectations. Who does what? For a while, my sole focus was on getting breastfeeding down. It was so incredibly difficult and took up so much of my time. My house was filthy, my dogs were dirty, dinner was sandwiches and cereal. But we were okay with that. Our expectation was that was a symptom of having a newborn in the house. Do not expect that you will go back to the way it was before baby. It won't. And that is perfectly normal! Let me say that again, you are normal for having a dirty house and scraps for dinner. This time will pass quickly. Your newborn will grow into a baby seemingly overnight and you will mourn the time you spent worrying about a clean house. You have about 3.5 seconds with your newborn before they start to change. Enjoy it! Enjoy every waking and sleeping moment that you can! You will never get this time back.

When Harrison was born I gave myself leave to focus on the here and now. When I would start to worry about the future I would say in my head, "Stop. Where are you? What are you doing? How happy are you? Enjoy your baby. Look at your baby. Isn't he beautiful. Look what you made with your husband." Those simple sentences and phrases did and do bring me down from my worries and fears. It took so much to get him. I intend to use every moment I have enjoying him.