We tried naturally for about 3 months before Kurt deployed in 2013. Pregnancy did not happen for us and we were alright with that because we knew we could try again when he returned. After his return we tried naturally again for another 6 months. I was more hopeful upon his return because I thought the birth control drugs would have completely worked their way out of my system. When we continued to have problems we decided to see a specialist.
After seeing the specialist for several months, enduring many tests and several IUIs (intra-uterine inseminations) we decided to opt for exploratory surgery. On June 15th, 2014 I underwent a hysteroscopy. They sedated me, filled my stomach cavity with air, and made three small incisions. One through my belly button and two right about where my ovaries are. They looked on the outside of my uterus as well as inside with tiny cameras. They discovered that I had endometriosis as well as polyps on my left ovary and fallopian tube. Fortunately, they were able to remove both issues!
Recovery from the surgery was painful and it was about a week and a half before I was able to feel like myself again. Our doctor told us that the surgery would hold back the endometriosis for about 6 months but that, unless I became pregnant, the endometriosis would grow back.
We started up again with the IUI routine. Every month I would inject myself with hormones and swallow pills, take Kurt's sample to the doctor, go through the procedure, and hope that the procedure would work.
Around October 2014 we got our first sign of good news, I was finally pregnant! We were so overjoyed at the news because it meant that I actually could have children. Everything was going well, but at the 6 week appointment (mid-December) we discovered that the pregnancy had miscarried. In many ways, miscarrying so early in the pregnancy was a huge blessing. I did not yet connect with the fetus on an emotional level and I was still riding high on the fact that it was actually possible to get pregnant. I was so filled with joy and excitement over what the future might hold that the miscarriage did not affect me too terribly. I was sad, but I was also relieved that this elusive unicorn called pregnancy could happen for me.
After the miscarriage, on the 19th of December 2014, I had a "D&C" (dilation and curettage) to remove the tissue still inside my uterus. This was the most difficult procedure I had to go through, not because of the loss of the fetus but because of the lack of communication between my doctor and myself. The doctor never told me they were going to give me drugs that would wipe my memory. When I "woke up" from the procedure I was completely disoriented and didn't understand why my pants were being put back on by the aides. The two nurses aides helped me to a recovery room where I laid on a gurney for about 30 minutes. I felt completely normal, except for this nagging feeling that I had been lied to and taken advantage of in some way. The recovery for that procedure was very easy, sort of like having a strong period. The anger I felt towards my doctor is something I still struggle with.
In January of 2015 we started again with the IUI regiment. Our doctor told us that we did not need to wait after the miscarriage and encouraged us to start trying again right away. We gave ourselves two chances to get pregnant via IUI. If it did not work we would spring for the big bucks (~$10,000) and do IVF (in-vitro fertilization). The IUI procedure only cost us about $350 every time we did it and it was difficult for me to wrap my head around spending that much money on IVF, especially with no guarantee! At the same time, I was working full-time which helped very much to support the costs of our pregnancy quest. Of course, between moving and trying to get pregnant my salary for the year was all but spent!
The January IUI did not take and we knew we had one more before we would commit to IVF. We were moving in July and the whole IVF process takes about 3 months. We wanted to give ourselves enough time to have a chance before moving to Hawaii (where IVF starts at $25,000).
Our February IUI was also not successful, instead we conceived Bean naturally!!! The doctor was quite confused when Bean's little sack of cells came on the monitor. Doing the math, he knew that Bean was conceived after the IUI. Part of me was angry we had spent all this money, when what we really needed to be doing was having sex every day of the year! The IUI was not successful because my egg released well after the procedure. My natural cycle is to release an egg about every 6 weeks. The hormone therapy and shots were meant to force my body to release an egg at a certain time. My ovaries were so stubborn that even with drugs they refused to release the egg before it was ready.
Once I knew I was pregnant I had to go to a doctor's appointment every week. They would use a special wand and complete a vaginal ultrasound (I think we have more pictures of Bean in the first trimester than most parents get of their baby in utero for the length of the pregnancy). Every week I would build up my excitement and anxiety, will it still be alive? If it's not what will we do? We can't afford to do IVF in Hawaii! Maybe we would adopt? I don't know if I can do that?! Every week this same stressful cycle would hit me, wave after wave. On top of that I was unable to keep anything down. Puking was the norm and I was starting to feel like I was going to slowly die as this parasite literally sucked the life out of me! In reality, I only lost 8 pounds in the first trimester. Luckily, the hormone treatments had made me a little fluffier so I ended up looking a little lighter than I did in high school (~125 pounds at my lowest weight)!
After the first trimester was over I felt like a completely normal person again. I was so happy! But now we were moving to Hawaii. I was nervous about the amount of stress but set out to plan everything in order to mitigate the stress levels. It definitely helped!
The whole business of moving to Hawaii was not exactly a piece of cake, but it is now over. I can now focus on what is important: giving birth to this child I have wished and hoped for so long.
I am at 36 weeks now. I keep thinking about all the women that are struggling to get pregnant. I wanted to share my story because you need to know you are not alone. I would say about half of my friends have struggled in some way and the other half have had no problems. I was surprised that it did not come easy for me but I truly believe that I needed to go on this journey. I don't know if I would be as excited about having this baby if I didn't have to put so much time, effort, pain, money, and tears into the whole process. My only worry now is (a) spoiling him (b) over-protecting him (c) putting too many expectations on him. It's difficult not to put all your hopes and dreams into your child when you have fought so hard to get him.
Best wishes on your journey, I hope the path you are on leads you to peace and happiness.
Sarah
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